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A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

An old Souther planter goes into the hospital and is informed by the doctor that his condition is pretty serious. In fact, he's going to require a heart transplant.

"Well, doctor," drawls the planter, "you'd best get on with it. But whatever you do, just don't give me the heart of a black man."

When he comes out of the anaesthetic, the doctor is leaning over his bedside anxiously. "Cal," he says, "I got to use a black man's heart." Cal pales. "But the good news is: your dick is three inches longer.

ACTUAL WRITINGS ON CHARTS IN HOSPITALS

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first
doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63
years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

A man's wife is very sick and he takes her to the doctor. The doctor is stumped and gives her a battery of tests. They come back inconclusive, so he sends them to a specialist. This doctor gives her a complete physical along with dozens of other tests. Finally, he calls the man into his office. He tells the man they have narrowed what she has down to two things, AIDS or Alzheimers. Tha man asks what they can do. The doctor tells him to drop his wife off 4 or 5 blocks from home, and "if she makes it home on her own, don't fuck her".

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along,whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms and told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He replied: ... "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her that no, and that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I’d been sitting in the street licking myself and a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.

A guy walks into a bar, and orders six shots. The bartender pours them, and he slams them back as fast as he can.

"Woah, buddy!" The bartender says, "why are you drinking so fast?"

"You'd be drinking fast too, if you had what I have," the guy says, gravely.

"Oh," the bartender says, "what do you have?"

"Seventy-five cents."

A young woman was in a coma, and as the weeks went on her doctors became increasingly concerned about her chances of recovering. Until the day when her nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. As one of them washed her private area, she noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. She tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. Excitedly, they rushed to tell the doctor who, after checking the nurses' claims, called the woman's husband into his office.

As the husband sat down, the doctor explained what had happened and added: "As crazy as this sounds, we're begining to suspect that if you had oral sex with her, it might help her even more and possibly even bring her out of the coma completely."

The husband was a little sceptical, but the doctor assured him that he'd have complete privacy and the curtains around the bed would be firmly closed. Eventually the husband agreed to give it a try and went to his wife's bedside.

A few minutes later, nurses were alarmed to hear the woman's monitor alarm go off, telling them that she had flatlined. As doctors tried to revive the woman, one of the nurses asked the husband what had happened.

"I'm not really sure," he replied. "Maybe she choked?"

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner
peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahula, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

TRUE Medical slang terms...

Symptoms
• ETOH = drunk (molecular abbreviation for ethyl alcohol).
• UBI = unexplained beer injury.
• CATS = Cut all to shit.
Observations:
• NLPR= no longer playing records (i.e. dead).
• C/C = Cancel Christmas (dead).
• GLM = good looking mum.
Treatments:
• TUBE = totally unnecessary breast exam.
• Snow = Accidentally giving a patient too much meds at one time and making the patient loopy.
Medical slang -Nouns
• Oligoneuronal (few neurons) = stupid.
• Pumpkin positive = lacking in intelligence; implies that the patient's brain is so small that shining a torch into their mouth would cause their head to light up like a pumpkin
• Yahtzee =discharge all your inpatients so no hospital rounds.
• Cheerioma - A particularly nasty tumour; one from which the patient will not survive (cheerio).
• Fascinoma - any interesting or amusing tumor or malignancy
•
Practitioners:
• Rear Admiral = Proctologist.
• Pecker checker / Cock Doc= Urologist
• Stream Team = Urology team

MAGIC FROG
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?".

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So,the doctor gives him directions to the witch.

The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem.

Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You must say to the frog, "will you marry me?" When the frog says "no", you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.

He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!"

But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again.

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, especially to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will the Viagra do for him Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

A man goes into the Doctors with a terrible cough. As he walks into the consulting room he sees another man coming out with a look of fierce concentration on his face.

"Doc", he says coughing all the while, "Can you give me something for this?"

"Sure," says the Doctor, take two of these."

The man swallows the pills then looks at the bottle.

"Hey, hang on, these say 'Fast-Acting Laxative'" he exclaims.

"Yep, did you see that man who left just as you came in? Well he had the same problem, but I bet he hasn't coughed since!"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial body bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO Paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could when the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark . You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark ."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career"

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."


The proctologist fainted

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon . . . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment. For example, my doctor referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

When I asked her why, she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

I thought I'd contracted Swine Flu...

... turned out I was just hogging my food.

I tried phoning the Swine Flu helpline...

... but all I got was crackling...

I know someone who's come down with Swine flu.

He's come out in rashers.

But, it's alright. He's got some oinkment, so he's cured now.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men in his 'middle regions, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnoooh, I'll be all right ... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his private parts. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

"It feels great," he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."